Round Five Is Underway and Scanxiety is Getting Worse

This morning I went to the infusion center at the clinic for round five. Each round is bringing more fatigue and once again I slept through half of the morning at the center, leaving my poor wife, Tina, to read her book while I slept. I am so grateful that I have such a strong, loving and understanding women like her in my life.

After we finished up at the center, about 1:00 pm, we went home and I picked up my convertible to go to work. On the way I stopped and got my free haircut at Great Clips. That is such an awesome thing they do for cancer patients and it really helps to cheer me up every time I go in. And yes, I remembered to leave my tip with the stylist today.

I decided that I was still really tired and was going to take the day off, to get some rest, and as I checked my work email on my work cell phone I saw an email from my boss needing help on something immediately. I scrapped the idea of heading home and instead went to work. I helped my boss with what he needed, scheduled the remaining interviews for the new web developer that we are looking to hire, and worked on a couple of other items.

I left work about 5:00 pm and headed home to get some sleep. My youngest daughter met me at the door and offered to make me dinner, so after settling on some Mrs. Grass soup, I went upstairs while she cooked my food. After eating in bed, and watching a little TV, I finally fell asleep around 6:00 pm. I woke up again about 9:30 pm and it was evident that I was pretty wide awake, so I headed downstairs and did some work from home.

I am getting ready to go back to bed, so that I can work tomorrow, but I find myself thinking about my appointment with Dr. Phinney on Friday. In essence, I have 50/50 odds that the chemo is either working, or that it is not and we need to look to the next type of chemo treatment. Not really good odds if you ask me, and the wait is driving me crazy.

I am trying to remain positive, trying to give my worry to God, trying to be the good soldier. But I have to admit, the closer it gets to Friday morning, the more scared I get. Is the chemo working? Is it not working? Is the cancer growing and spreading from the chemo (yes, that is actually a possibility)? Are we going to get good news or more bad news? How will what we hear affect my beautiful wife’s birthday, which is also Friday?

Friday can’t come soon enough. And yet, at the same time, I kind of wish that it would never come at all.

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2 thoughts on “Round Five Is Underway and Scanxiety is Getting Worse

  1. I am going to be the voice of doom. Yes, the odds of the chemo working are not all that great and hearing the words sucks, bad. But here’s the thing, this is the first try at chemo. This is the chemo that the medical and insurance companies say has to be tried first. In some ways, if it doesn’t work, it’s expected and necessary because then your doctor can move on to other things. He can dig into the other treatments available and find the perfect one for you, maybe you even get lucky and it’s less side effects.
    I hope you don’t have to hear the words on Friday, but if you do, it’s just the next step, not a block.

    1. I appreciate your honesty and frankness. Deep down inside I knew this was the truth, I just didn’t want to accept it.

      Thank you for being honest and telling me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear.

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