I woke up this morning and immediately thought, “hey, it’s your birthday!” Then I instantly thought, “what if this is your last one?” What a grim way to start a day, especially one that is supposed to be filled with happiness and celebration.
Then this afternoon I went and renewed my driver license, and the thought “I wonder if I’ll make it another four years to do this again” popped in my head. Yeah, the negative thoughts were still there, and apparently not ready to leave yet.
After work, all my kids and grandchildren came over to have cake and ice cream and celebrate my birthday. Again, those bad thoughts popped up when I thought to myself, “I wonder if I’ll be here to do this again next year.” I really can’t say where these thoughts were coming from, but they were getting old.
I’m sure my age had a little something to do with all of these crazy and depressing thoughts. But I think the biggest reason is of the cancer diagnosis. I am trying to remain positive and keep my head in the right place, but the fact that I am doing chemo is a not so friendly reminder of what I am really facing: my own mortality. And I have to admit that it scares me at times, some more so than others.